I was reminded today how I used to (and occasionally still do) seek approval from the outside world. This can be in reference to anything; weight, job, looks, education level and so on. Today though I’m going to use my story as a transgender male as a reference for this. While everything and more of what I listed I and many others have sought approval for it wasn’t until I chose to transition to male that it came at me full blown.
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When my mom died I went through a ton of different emotions. For a while they were all surface things about what had happened, what our last words were, who was there, who wasn’t there and so on. I was a few years into Higher Consciousness and I was attempting to apply everything I knew about looking at the stories, the emotions, the things my head was saying to me to work through it. I knew I had anger because I was cussing and bitching about a few things. I knew I had pain because the tears would come every once in awhile. I knew I had guilt because I would hear myself degrade myself. About a week ago a ton of stuff was stirring up inside of me and hitting pretty deep. I’ve always been aware that I can sometimes get stuck in the logical idea of right vs wrong, after all that is one of the many things we are here to transcend. The way I was raised also hammered this into me, I have to be “right” in order to have anything validated. I have had to be logical and come from a very scientific approach to things. It was constantly ingrained in me that my feelings were “wrong,” and in some cases I was blatantly told I was stupid for having the feelings I had. REPOSTED FROM THE TRANS-SCEND BLOG 2016 I was reminded today why many people feel that there is no god, that there are things like demons, evil spirits and inherent evil in humans. I had my own times of believing in these things and I understand the type of suffering one goes through for these ideas. To awaken to the idea that every experience we have had here on this planet has been one that we signed up for is an idea that some just can’t conceive of, don’t want to or won’t. Why would we assume some of the abuse that has gone on in our lives, why would we do that to ourselves and what in the world would it teach us. REPOSTED FROM THE TRANS-SCEND BLOG 2016 Hmm, so apparently with the equinox frequencies bringing up a lot of our fears to get up and go I’m facing my own by writing yet another post to talk about things that occurred in my human existence that I keep very close to me. While I do tell people about these things, I have only told people that I “trust” before. This was my way of protecting myself from being vulnerable, to keep those things that others might judge out of the general public so I didn’t have to face that judgement or ridicule. In reality it never works like that, trying to keep myself from being vulnerable only made me vulnerable, trying to keep myself from outside ridicule and judgment never stop my own ridicule and judgement, hiding things from others or storing them deep in my sub unconscious never kept me safe. The only way to do any of that is to open up to my experiences, to really understand what was going on at the time, to understand what I was trying to tell myself and then… to let it all go. |
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