I found myself sitting in the bath tub with the shower pouring over me as I cried. I had just ended an 8 year relationship with a beautiful, loving and talented woman and was mourning it. My heart was wide open and I cried and cried, some quiet tears, others heart wrenching. The thing that struck me the most was that there were no words in my head. No stories of my unworthiness, my undesirability, the fact that she, like so many others, would be better without me. Nothing, none of those stories played, no sound other than the tears I cried.
When I was done I got out and got dressed. About a half hour later she and I stood in our kitchen and talked about how awesome it was that neither of us was experiencing those same old stories. That we were allowing ourselves to be fully in the emotion but consciously. We had no words, no feelings, and no stories to tell ourselves except that we loved ourselves and were holding our own space. Allowing ourselves to experience and be and that was all.
I have never been at the end of any relationship without hearing those stories I’ve made up for so long. All the stories I came here to experience and then transcend. I didn’t even know it was possible to change the circumstances of a relationship without all that talk. It’s miraculous on one hand and yet so utterly simple on the other, too simple for me to have grasped it until now. It took work but not back breaking, sweat inducing, pain ridden work, only a type of work that only requires one to want to understand that they are worth so much more than they ever thought they were before.
I’ve not known that feeling for long and yet I’ve been searching for it for over 3 years now. A desire to hold myself in love and kindness, a desire to no longer be the lost and lonely child I was, a desire to no longer condemn myself to the agony I’ve felt previously. And yet, it didn’t begin as a conscious choice, in fact when I first started awakening, despite the fact that I said I wanted it, I always believed I wasn’t deserving. How would I ever get to the point where I didn’t hear those things in my head. Wasn’t some part of them true, wasn’t I just fooling myself into believe that I could do this. After all look at me I’m not the ideal candidate to do achieve this.
Yet, I am, we all are. All we have to do is decide that we no longer want to feel the pain we did before. All we have to do is put ourselves first, I did it in very, very small steps. In fact, I’m not even really sure how I got here other than by keeping myself open to the possibility that I could, in fact, be more than I ever believed I could be. It was never so much about my convincing myself of this fact, it was a feeling I kept having. A feeling right in the core of my heart. Every time I heard the stories, it shrunk away, backed up and ached. When I would tell myself they weren’t true, when I would tell myself I was love, perfect, lovable it wouldn’t. At first, it was almost blank, almost confused but it never shrunk. As I said it more and more, as I did the work, as I continued living day by day and opening up to the possibility more and more it became easier. It began to open, it began to feel lighter, and it began to awaken in tingling, expanding love.
Today I am consciously working to maintain that quietness in my head. It is an ongoing process and one I am so happy to be doing as it is bringing more and more joy to my life every day. Neutrality is often miss defined as not having a feeling either way. To fully experience life, to fully experience an emotion neutrally it isn’t about not feeling it’s about feeling it all, 100% and not judging ourselves for any of it. To listen to the stories I would have maligned the love I felt for myself and my partner, our relationship may have changed courses but our souls affinity for one another has never wavered and I would rather honor us both in neutrality than suffer more than just the loss of my relationship by believing one more false, unconscious, story. I want to thank myself, my soul and my ego for learning to love me through this.