REPOSTED FROM THE TRANS-SCEND BLOG 2016
I grew up in a psychologically abusive household. My mother was 18 when she had me and soon after divorced my father and raised me on her own. She came from a household where she believed that she was not looked on in favor, where she felt that she was undervalued and misunderstood and she didn’t wish that on me. She once told me that she tried to raise me completely opposite from how she was raise and that it failed. She realized that I came out of childhood with the same fears and emotions that she did. Partially this was true, I had taken in the fears that my soul wanted me to experience but they expressed in my somewhat differently. At the time I had no idea about any of things I now know and just continued living out my human existence the best I could.
At that time I lived in a world “that wasn’t fair.” We’ve all heard that line and a lot of us have put a lot of value on it “life isn’t fair.” That statement really comes out of our own victimhood and we take it in and believe it and then see it everywhere in our reality. Not only did I believe that life wasn’t fair at the time but I believed I could make myself impermeable. So I spent the majority of my high school years plastered in front of the TV or boom box watching/listening to Pink Floyd's the wall. I actually studied that movie so deeply that I mimicked the character of Pink to a “t” at least from the first half of the movie. I learned to build my own wall (why anyone would want to tear that down, I thought then, I had no idea). From then on anything my mother said seemingly went right through me. I learned to just stand there while she was in my face screaming all kinds of things. I never realized that this, in a way, sent the things she said even deeper into my unconscious. This also, eventually led to physical abuse as she didn’t like the fact that I was just “standing there with a smirk on my face.”
I had gotten the usual spankings from early on. Then it became slaps across the face, sometimes in public. She then once put me in a headlock and hit me about the head all while in front of a friend of mine that I was trying to usher out of the house as I saw her exploding. Finally she got to a full blown fight where she jumped on top of me and beat me about the head and chest until she got too tired to swing. All I remember was looking up at her while trying to keep my face covered and realizing that I could probably get her off me but that would involve me actually having to hit her, I had instinctively elbowed her to get her off me when she had me in the headlock and I felt horrible about it, so I laid there and took it.
Interestingly enough it was never those incidents that really bothered me, as much as they hurt at the time I could never actually remember what that pain felt like later on. It was the psychological stuff that always stuck with me. In fact, when I look back at it, the physical stuff only reinforced the psychological stuff. I already felt like worthless, what a better way to prove that than to have someone that was supposed to love me beat the hell out of me. Made perfect sense at the time, if I’m a piece of crap I should be treated like one.
I say all this to make a point, in fact I’m in the process of getting out all the old emotions about that and at some point I know that it will just be a me telling a story of my human, because the point is I asked for it all. No, I’m not talking about dropping a dish and getting slapped, or being hit in by both my mom and her boyfriend at the time because to express an emotion I had yelled “I hate you at the top of my lungs.” My soul set things in motion so that I would experience these things. No, my soul is not a sadist, my soul does like to play some tricks on me yes but not a sadist. We all came here to experience the human existence and the one form of Source we all come from basically split to make all the souls that inhabit all the crazy humans on this planet so we could experience these things from a multitude of angles.
At this point I tell my story so that others out there know that they are not the only one and that they too are worthy enough to join me on this journey. I tell it because I’m reaching a point where the walls are nearly completely down. I always imagined these walls were around my entire being but really they were only around my heart. We take in early on all the things our souls want us to eventually see through but in doing so we not only feel separated from source/home we learn to separate ourselves from our own hearts. We don’t want to be vulnerable, taken advantage of, hurt, be fooled, lied to or anything else that comes up and yet we don’t understand that by closing off our own hearts and giving into the fear of all those things we are we are essentially doing all that to our own selves and in a sense making those fears we have become reality.
It’s an odd concept yes, it is basically backwards from everything we know as humans. That is what life is when you haven’t awakened yet, it’s unfair and backwards. We create it for ourselves that horrible existence, that sad existence, that closed off existence that existence that forces us to do things we never thought we would do. In fact about a year after I moved out at 18 I found myself drinking heavily something that I had never really gotten into until my very last year of high school and even then I didn’t drink like you see people on tv. I always tried to have fun while drinking like I saw in movies and TV, instead I was usually sitting in the corner of the garage staying away from my crazy girlfriend and drinking myself into oblivion. What I realize now is that drinking tears down some of those walls we build up, it has the ability to open up our heart some so we can start seeing what is there.
For a lot of us this journey involves awakening several times but it is such a scary concept that we put ourselves right back to sleep. I did this numerous times in my 20’s with drugs and alcohol always leading me to learn something new about an unseen world that I could only just glimpse before I had to run away again. Some of us struggle with it, others fall into it, and still others try and hide from it. We all have our own paths and the time is always right whenever that time is. Yesterday I cried for two different completely opposite things and it was awesome. I cried to release some of the emotions that are still inside me about my mom and at the same time I finally said something I haven’t ever. I cried because of all I ever wanted was for her to love me and I cried because she had completed our contract in the most amazing fashion. I was happy and sad all at the same time and loved her more at that moment than I ever have in this human existence and I finally said “I miss you.”
Words I never thought would ever come out of my mouth, not because of what happened between us but because I had walled myself off from trying to feel anything but the desire for her to tell me that I was worthy. I never realized that I was the one that needed to believe that and that it really needed to come from me and not her. I all of a sudden not only knew but really felt deep inside that this crazy messed up life of mine actually had a purpose.
We aren’t meant to come here and get a job we hate, work to pay bills to buy more stuff to go back to the job we hate and continue the misery cycle, we aren't meant to live in a kind of fake happiness that only lasts for as long as we can convince ourselves that we are, indeed, happy. Life is meant to be play, to be fun, to be amazing and we are here to transcend the duality of the dimension we've been in and experience moving into bliss. We are meant to transcend the human and connect to our true self, our soul. There we understand what true love is, what true happiness is and what everlasting bliss is. That is what we need to believe life is, believe in the magic of what life can bring you when you consciously look at it. It is where we can not only forgive those we believe “wronged” us in some way but we can recognize that the “wrong” was only our souls asking us to see what is “right”, US.