And the train has stopped...
Working 14-17 hour days, every day, for the past two weeks has finally caught up to me. My body and mind are protesting. All that work and I have a job that starts today and I am so tired... I am grateful for my body giving me enough to get my work done. I will take better care of myself today. I will rest and not overdo it. I am grateful for a paying gig. I am thankful for having gone shopping yesterday so I have food today. I am grateful for cooffee...and the ability to spell coffee correctly....tomato, tomato right? Here's to pulling into the station for a bit and taking care of some me time. I am super grateful I can still function to write this and get started on work. Thanks for listening.
In gratitude, Elizabeth
Stuck in a Loop
I feel like I am stuck in a self-judgmental loop. The more I try gratitude practices the more negative stuff surfaces. I guess that should mean it is working but it certainly doesn't feel like it. And once the negative talk starts it is hard to get it to turn off. And it doesn't help getting little sleep and constantly going, going, going lately. I'm bringing in money every day, all day, but the constant grind is starting to impact me. I'm balancing applying for jobs, looking for a new place to live, doing odd jobs for cash, qualifying for potential jobs in the works, doing what I really want to do with my life (write/art), sharing to assist others, cleaning up cat puke, maintaining the apartment, cooking food, getting to relax, figuring in a shower, actually eating the food I make, drinking enough water, adding it a couple stretches, walking the dog and rinse and repeat.
I'm not making a lot of money but I'll make a few hundred this month without an official “job” so I am grateful for that. It's more than the last month out of work, which was nothing coming in. I'm not playing video games anymore and I haven't watched binge-watched a show in Netflix. I am constantly doing something with the intention of earning money or hoping to earn money. I am grateful for my perserverance and stamina at this time, as well as my willpower and a drive I never knew I had before. I guess I should be grateful for all this, and I am, I just don't know where to go from here. How do I stop being so negative to myself? How do I really appreciate who I am and what I can do? How do I appreciate the experiences I am having right now and trust in the benevolent nature of the Universe? Hoping for change isn't a great thing either because it means I am not happy where I am right now. I can be positive towards the future but I have to be okay with where I am right now. There are an infinite number of ways to do this journey, and many spiritual leaders tell us to get okay with our situation, to work towards the future we want, to believe, to trust....it all feels like a circle, a hamster wheel, constantly chasing the carrot of 'something else' even though we're supposed to be able to have our cake and eat it too.
I'm probably not making any sense and I won't edit this so it is what it is. I feel that gratitude shouldn't be a chore or a reminder. I guess my next step is to figure out what it should be and how it can just 'be' a part of me. I don't want to have to remember to be grateful and I don't want to have to try to be grateful. As our thoughts change so does our mood, and today I may have taken a hot shower but I don't feel anything special for it. I have a lot to do and only 24 hours a day to do it. I am going to work on treating myself better, not giving myself such a hard time, and consciously changing the negative chatter in my brain when I catch it....that might be a full-time job in and of itself right now.
Loops are fun only for short periods of time. I'll find my way out of this loop and off the roller coaster. If anything we'll see where the journey takes me.
In gratitude, Elizabeth
I am grateful that...
I am alive
I am breathing
I can function to read and write and use a computer
I can see and hear well enough
I can stay awake long enough to get my work done
I am thankful for...
My cats and dog
A roof over my head
A kitchen stocked with food I can eat
A hot shower in the morning
Clean clothes to wear
Friends to talk to
A loving partner
Pens to create with
Time to get my work done
In gratitude, Elizabeth
Ask and You Shall Receive
After posting my blog entry yesterday I went on a dog walk and found a nickel on the street! And then a few hours later I heard back from a job posting to qualify for a 20 hour-a-week gig at $11 bucks an hour. I am waiting to hear more about it but I feel pretty good. Also I've been plugging away at online survey jobs making a few bucks here and there. For not having a “job” I am at least making some money. In every penny I find and every lead I get, I am grateful for it. Every job lead that is a dead end or a rejection I am also grateful for....as I believe I am not meant for that job. Only better will come.
Maintaining a positive attitude can be hard, I know I've struggled with it lately. I'm beginning to trust in the Universe as I receive signs every day that point me in the right direction. I am asking for more. I am learning that I can ask for more. In asking one receives. And I believe it coincides with energy and intention in that what you really focus on you will get in return.
Today I am grateful for a full day of online gigs (thus the delayed post). I am grateful for increasing balances and making progress. I am always grateful for that hot shower in the morning and a cold glass of water to drink. It's been getting hotter and hotter here in Vegas with the summer inching ever towards us. The sun has gone down and I am grateful for a breeze and open windows. I shall ask for more signs tonight that I am on the right track and to direct me where I am most needed.
In gratitude, Elizabeth
Why am I doing a gratitude journal/journey? I want to be a better person. I want to think better about myself and the world around me. Call me selfish but I've been my own worst bully for too long. I have more negative thoughts a day than positive...not like I count them but when all I can remember is the negative thoughts and self-talk then it's often 'majority rules'. I guess gratitude is supposed to get me there, or at least help. It's about tipping the scales in favor of what you want, rather than what you don't want. And what I want is to be happy: happy with myself, happy with the life around me, and ultimately happy for no good reason. I've forgotten what that happiness feels like. I feel so out of place, lost in my own thoughts of mud and muck that it is hard to imagine a world that is super amazingly awesome.
Attention goes where energy flows...or vice versa. If I'm focusing on the negative then I get negative. If I focus on the positive I get positive. Intention is the same as Attention, so the intention behind energy is just as important. I intend to feel more grateful in my life. I intend to feel better. I intend to be better than my former self. I intend to tip the scales in happiness' favor again and see how life lives out on the other side.
So what am I grateful for on day four? Apparently rhymes. And I am grateful for website testing gigs that allow you to work from home. I may not have a full-time job yet, but I am making money this month and that is something. Keeping the positive! I am grateful for myself for putting in the effort to make something, anything, this month. I like doing odd jobs as it keeps me busy and focused on success, ultimately. I am grateful for baby steps and I am grateful for pennies on the sidewalk. I am grateful for positive reminders from my universe that all is well and I am on the right track. Better today, better tomorrow....that is all I can ask of myself and to keep tipping that balance so my majority is wealth, health, success, and bliss.
In gratitude, Elizabeth
Quality over Quantity
I read an article on gratitude journals yesterday. Seems the Universe knows what I'm up to and brought me one in my Facebook news feed. One of the tips they gave was to focus on the quality of what you're grateful for, and not necessarily the quantity. See I could list everything I am grateful for: roof over my head, food in the fridge, water to drink, friends who love me, cats who (mostly) love me, this computer, a hot shower, a toilet....and I could list everything I have in my home, everything I have ever bought and be grateful for everything I could buy in the future.... this is quantity. But what really matters to me? What would I care to lose the most in my life? What would make me a different person if I didn't have that one thing?
I'm not claiming to know all the answers right now. I'm just thinking out loud. I want to really FEEL gratitude, not just say it. That is the point after all. The Universe responds to energy and vibration and what we're feeling deep down is what is creating the reality around us whether we like it or not. If we're feeling down and depressed and we believe the world is out to get us...then that is what it is. If we're feeling happy and optimistic and blessed that the world provides everything we need...then that is what we get. The trick is figuring out how vibrate with the energy of happy, optimistic, and blessed. How do you find that joy? I'm hoping gratitude is the key that unlocks that door.
Day 3. I am grateful for sleep. I want more of it. I love how I found new work (online) yesterday and I've started making some money doing odd jobs. I love how I can apply to jobs (both online and in retail stores around here) on my computer with ease. I am grateful for whoever invented the internet and the other guy (or girl) who made it mainstream. Thank you to my internet provider and I am grateful for the ability to pay for that internet. I think I got off track with the quality thing today but maybe not...I really need these things right now to better my life. I could certainly do it another way if there was no internet, but I am grateful it exists in this moment. On to another day of searching and working. Thanks for listening.
In gratitude, Elizabeth
When we write the words just flow and sometimes it uncovers what is really going on within. I've been stuck feeling a victim about what happened to me last month. I feel wronged and yet I only have myself to blame. I can choose how I let this affect me. I get to choose how anything affects me. I can allow myself to remain a victim to circumstance or I can stop that and start creating the life I do want. I want to be free of this feeling of anger, bitterness and even hate. Those emotions are pretty strong and they don't feel that great wearing them for long periods of time. So it's time to let that go. I am going to work hard at letting my anger go and letting the victim energy go. I am tired of feeling this way. And often things don't change until we get to the point where we say we're done and truly want something different. Today is a new day.
Day 2. I am grateful for waking up in a nice bed with a cat who wants my attention. I am thankful for being able to walk my dog every morning as the sun rises and the sky lightens. I am grateful still for a computer to type, for the ability to type, and the willpower to keep going. I am grateful I found a small revenue stream that at least will bring in few hundred bucks by the end of the month. More will come. I am grateful for the hot shower I took before writing this entry and for the clean clothes I am wearing. It's Easter and while I don't have kids I certainly have chocolate so I'm grateful for snacks and good company on this day and every day. Today I start by saying this day will be awesome. I will make it awesome.
In gratitude, Elizabeth
So I'm starting a Gratitude Journal of sorts because I need to find some ounce of it again in my life. At the beginning of March I got let go from my job. It was freelance but I had a good client who I was doing a lot of stuff for. Not only did she let me go without warning, she refused to pay me for my services in February and she didn't reimburse me for products I made for her business that I sent off in the mail before she let me go. And on top of that she refuses to talk to me over a month and a half later still about anything. Without the money from February and having no luck finding a job yet I'm low on cash and feeling pretty horrible about life. This experience has made me feel betrayal like never before, and I don't know who to be angry with the most: myself, this person, the Universe.... but there is plenty of anger, sadness, and overall hurt going on right now.
With my research into the Law of Attraction and other spiritual practices to improve my life, I know a lot about energy and I know I'm not attracting any better experiences in the current state that I am in. I've been in this vortex of lack, loss, and fear of how I'm going to “survive” that it's hard to see through the muck. I thought I'd give a gratitude journal a try and see if I can turn things around in my life. It should only take a few minutes a day to record my thoughts and come up with reasons on how my life is awesome. The more I can see that, the more true it will be. Simple quantum physics.
I'm posting this on Facebook because others may need inspiration to do their own gratitude practices. Or who knows, maybe this won't work (trying to think positive here). Either way we get to see what works and what doesn't, how we learn to shift our perceptions, and other quirky insights along the way. We'll get personal and more vulnerable as time goes on I expect. I need to break through this crap and so let's get started....
As for Day 1, I am grateful for breathing. I didn't sleep well last night but I am grateful I slept a little and I am awake enough to take care of myself and household today. I am grateful for a computer and internet access to apply to jobs online. I am grateful for clean water to drink. I am grateful for the few bucks left in my bank account to go buy food for the next few days. That is something. I am grateful for the ability to type on this computer. Oh boy the tears are coming... false alarm, eyes just watered...but it was emotion not allergies. I'll work on this more later. Start small they say and let it flow. Until next time...
In Gratitude, Elizabeth
My Gratitude Journey
April 15, 2017 - until I feel amazing and decide this is no longer necessary