Today I woke up and started thinking about the idea of desiring things outside of ourselves to make us happy. Lets face it in our culture we are bombarded by advertising all the time, commercials and ads in and on everything from a newspaper to social media. We constantly see things that are supposed to make us “bigger, better, skinnier, healthier, richer, more fun, dateable, entertained” and so on and so forth.
I was remembering back to when I was in my early 20’s barely making any money but I had a credit card for every major department store I could get my hands on. I wanted the latest clothes, music, colonge, games, electronics, and more. I wanted to have the car, the girlfriend, the job, the house and when I got them I knew, I JUST KNEW, I’d be happy. So what happened…
I was reminded today how I used to (and occasionally still do) seek approval from the outside world. This can be in reference to anything; weight, job, looks, education level and so on. Today though I’m going to use my story as a transgender male as a reference for this. While everything and more of what I listed I and many others have sought approval for it wasn’t until I chose to transition to male that it came at me full blown.
Yep, so I’m a big ole gamer. I started off with my mom buying one of the first Mac’s on the market and played goofy little games on it. Well really, there was Atari first and then Zork and maybe a few others I don’t remember. Eventually I got into MUD’s which are text based games on the web where a bunch of people join in the game. Everyone has their own character; we pick races, professions, magic or non, weapons, skills and so forth. Most of the first ones were based off of D&D which in turn was based off of the Hobbit/Lord of the Rings and other books in the genre. One of the biggest things in these games is to not be OOC, or Out Of Character. In other words if I’m playing I don’t suddenly say “OMG did you see last night’s SNL skit?” or something to that affect. Nope in these games we want to RP or Role-play our characters to fit what others see of them on screen so that they match up to the ideal troll, ogre, elf, magician, thief, warrior, etc.
When my mom died I went through a ton of different emotions. For a while they were all surface things about what had happened, what our last words were, who was there, who wasn’t there and so on. I was a few years into Higher Consciousness and I was attempting to apply everything I knew about looking at the stories, the emotions, the things my head was saying to me to work through it. I knew I had anger because I was cussing and bitching about a few things. I knew I had pain because the tears would come every once in awhile. I knew I had guilt because I would hear myself degrade myself.