About a week ago a ton of stuff was stirring up inside of me and hitting pretty deep. I’ve always been aware that I can sometimes get stuck in the logical idea of right vs wrong, after all that is one of the many things we are here to transcend. The way I was raised also hammered this into me, I have to be “right” in order to have anything validated. I have had to be logical and come from a very scientific approach to things. It was constantly ingrained in me that my feelings were “wrong,” and in some cases I was blatantly told I was stupid for having the feelings I had.
I found myself sitting in the bath tub with the shower pouring over me as I cried. I had just ended an 8 year relationship with a beautiful, loving and talented woman and was mourning it. My heart was wide open and I cried and cried, some quiet tears, others heart wrenching. The thing that struck me the most was that there were no words in my head. No stories of my unworthiness, my undesirability, the fact that she, like so many others, would be better without me. Nothing, none of those stories played, no sound other than the tears I cried.
Today I found myself saying something that we all say “Wow, I’m in love with…” It’s not a new thing, I’ve said it before, heard it before, watched movies where people say it and so on. What was new is right after I said it I stopped and actually looked at that thought. I had to sit back and say to myself “really?” Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t questioning that I had the feeling I was questing the wording and how it described the feeling.
What does “in love” really mean, what did I mean when I said it and why, as humans do we equate an awesome feeling with the words “in love.” Being IN anything means I can be OUT of it right? We say I’m IN love, I fell OUT of love, I do NOT love them any more, I (DO) love you and what do all of those things really say about the feeling I have? Frankly, broken down like that it says I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for the opposite thing to happen, I’m waiting for the other side of those duality words.
Contracts end in many different ways, different relationships, and different degrees of consciousness. Romantic relationships, for me, have never ended as “they should.” A great many of them have ended in a very loving way and have moved into long term friendships. I admire, respect and love the women I have been with that have been able to move into this place with me. It was not always the case, however, I realize now that I changed the way I viewed relationships somewhere along the way and decided that if I had once loved someone, there was no reason I couldn’t love them after the initial romantic relationship ended.
Most of these relationships have ended very well and while many needed time apart before the friendship phase, it was rarely a long drawn out thing. I’m not entirely sure why the others ended that way, at the time I was not consciousness as I see it today but I believe that changing my view on how relationships had to occur helped. It never had anything to do with who ended the relationship but how.
I decide to draw two cards from two different decks. The first card (from the Gilded Reverie Lenormand Deck) was about the energies for the upcoming week and what the collective would be feeling. How much we all feel is really dependent on how much work we’ve already done, how much of the energies we still have within us, how much we’ve taken on for the collective and what is still stored in our cellular memories. For some they may be hit full blow and others barely feel it depending on any number of the things mentioned above. Depending on how much density each of still holds can also depend on when you feel these energies the most. I have friends that feel it and move on with in seconds when I’m sometimes still reeling for days and still others may not even know this is what is going even though they are drudging up this or that. We all go through what we need to go through at the time. For the second draw (from the Imperial Dragon Oracle Deck) I asked what we might use to assist us with the energies from this deck. Read below for my answers and a picture of each card. Enjoy!