REPOSTED FROM THE TRANS-SCEND BLOG 2015
Bathrooms used to be just a thing I did without thinking about it. All of sudden they became the scariest place in the world (aside from maybe having to go to a new doctor/hospital) for me and that feeling lasted for many years. I was recently reminded of that when I checked out Brothers (check them out if you haven't already https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDXagST_QUQ) an online drama about guys in transition. In the very first episode we watch Jack experience stress over using a public restroom. I loved this scene as I have done the same thing many, many times and have been put into situation after situation to get over my fear of it.
I absolutely refused to use a public restroom for at least the first year or so after my transition. I stood in the shower for hours trying to figure out a StP device but never felt comfortable enough to use one at home let alone in public. It was about a year and half later that my partner and I decided to move to Portland from the SF Bay Area and I was forced into using one on the road. I can remember coming out of different restrooms feeling very guilty about having taken so long and would apologize to her every time because “I had to wait until there wasn’t anyone in there.”
I started having mini panic attacks every time I had to stop because I just didn’t want to go in there. I would sit and wait for quiet, or hope that this one had loud music. I would kind of peer under the other stalls once in one to see if anyone was next to me. A few times I even contemplated taking my shoes off and turning them around so that it would look like I was facing the toilet. I had a freak out several times because I thought I had once heard that guys can’t stop mid-stream and I was doing it in there!
I kept picturing a group of guys just breaking down the door and beating the crap out of me or worse raping/killing me all because every single one of them was listening to me pee and noticing that I was sitting down to do it. OMG I’m going to die in the bathroom someday is all I kept thinking.
About two years or so after we had moved to Portland I was laid off. We made a decision to leave the area, the weather was starting to get to both of us and she wanted to be closer to her father so we packed up and moved to Phoenix. Since then we have moved over 6 times, done an amazing amount of road trips and have been doing our spiritual journey full time for just about 2 ½ years now. What does that all mean?
That means I have been in so many truck stop bathrooms at this point I can’t even count. I used to look down and try and be as inconspicuous as possible, now I just stroll on in. Do I still get nervous? Yeah, every once in a while but I know why now and that helps. All it is is fear, fear of feeling vulnerable, fear of not being good enough, not being “man” enough. It is a constant attempt by my ego to tell me that I am not what I think I am, the funny thing is that it is right. I am not a man, I am not a woman, I am source energy, I am all powerful especially when I allow myself to be vulnerable and come from love and I am perfect in every regard.
My body is my vehicle and I can now say that my body was born female, yes I transformed it and yes I have a vagina. Reminds me of Buck Angel “man with a pussy”, yeah I totally have one of those and you know what doesn’t make me any less of who I am. I don’t care about being a MAN anymore, I don’t care that I was born a WOMAN. I care that I have made strides and done the work to find out who I AM.