REPOSTED FROM THE TRANS-SCEND BLOG 2016
Hmm, so apparently with the equinox frequencies bringing up a lot of our fears to get up and go I’m facing my own by writing yet another post to talk about things that occurred in my human existence that I keep very close to me. While I do tell people about these things, I have only told people that I “trust” before. This was my way of protecting myself from being vulnerable, to keep those things that others might judge out of the general public so I didn’t have to face that judgement or ridicule. In reality it never works like that, trying to keep myself from being vulnerable only made me vulnerable, trying to keep myself from outside ridicule and judgment never stop my own ridicule and judgement, hiding things from others or storing them deep in my sub unconscious never kept me safe. The only way to do any of that is to open up to my experiences, to really understand what was going on at the time, to understand what I was trying to tell myself and then… to let it all go.
I will state up front that I can only speak to my own experiences and what I’ve learned about myself and what I believe to be truth. Truth is a funny concept in the human world, it means there is only one, the ultimate truth, only one person can be true so therefore the other must be a lie. In reality truth is just an evolving concept. What is true for me today may not be true for me tomorrow. It is almost like a scientific hypothesis, for all the information that have at the moment this is my truth… whoops it’s another moment here is my truth. What is different from the hypothesis is that all of these truths were true at the moment they were true for me. At each stage of the awakening process you will see new truths, new concepts, and new ways in which to look at the world around you. If you get caught in the human idea that truth is stagnant then just like an unconscious human you are stagnant. With growth comes growth.
While I was growing up I wanted love; I wanted to be loved, I wanted to feel safe and warm and know that I was valued and worthy of that love. I picked a very interesting family to grow up in, on one hand I had a grandmother whose love was nearly unconditional. I can only remember two times that I ever thought for an instance that she was upset with me and it felt devastating to me in a way that was unlike how I felt with my mom. With my mom it was like I was doomed from the start at least that is what my memories of her say. I never felt safe, felt loved, felt valued or appreciated. It really doesn’t make any difference whether or not someone loves you it only ever matters how you feel about yourself and so I was in this constant push pull with my own inner worth, my own inner sense of value, power and love.
I hardly ever felt powerful in my youth. I’m not speaking about power as in the CEO, or the president, or a warrior. Those are all false senses of power anyway. What I’m talking about is my own inner power, that feeling or voice that tells you that you are worthy, that you are worth love that allows you to stand up and say “No” to those around you that are infringing on your space, your sense of inner peace and disrespecting your existence. The only time I felt any kind of power was when I was violent. Again this is much akin to that power that a CEO, warrior or bully feels. It is a false sense of power, it comes from fear and it is ingrained in our view of masculinity. In actuality masculine energy when balanced is powerful but it is not the ability to punch someone in the face and brag about your bicep size and how much you can bench. It is a quite power, the sense of your own inner worth and the ability to stand in your power and be firm yet soft at the same time. When I picture it I picture a father cradling a newborn in his arms. By no means take that as meaning that only biological men are masculine, oh no. All of us have masculine and feminine energy within us. This is yin and yang. We have perverted this idea to fit our own fearful stereotypes of what women should be and what men should be and it is not anywhere close. To stand in your own power, to be balanced within is to balance both those energies within us. Part of Ascension is learning to do just this.
Growing up I didn’t have inner power, I didn’t even know what it was, all I knew is that when certain things happened I felt so overwhelmingly bad about myself that I got very angry and lashed out. What does a 4th grader lash out against that can’t harm them… in my case it was our cat. I have never in my life felt so relieved and so horrible at the same time and still it didn’t touch how horrible I felt before it happened. There were a handful of incidents that happened in a short two or three years where my relief came from hitting our cat followed by bursting into tears and holding him tight and promising him I’d never do it again.
In high school we didn’t have any animals so when things reached their peak and I thought I had firmly built that wall around me I began to feel like I was drowning in my own creation. I didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of my mother because I had heard “I’ll give you something to cry about” so often in my life followed by being hit that I wanted a way to stop that from happening. So I put up that wall and then realized the only thing I felt was pain but it was all inside. So I began to cut myself, burn myself, punch myself, punch walls, ram my head repeatedly into any hard surface I could find and then finally started drinking.
When I moved out I drank more and then gave it up right before I turned 21. I had found a place where I felt somewhat safe with a person that I trusted would always love me (and she still does). She took care of me for several years as this broken kid tried to piece themselves back together without the proper tools. She took care of me so much in fact that I began to gauge what I could get away with and trying desperately (without acknowledging it) to ruin any chance of her continuing to care for and support me. I wanted to fail, I was afraid of failing but it felt so right, I was so used to it that I felt like I wasn’t me unless I was failing. I wanted to fail so badly I started doing meth and I did meth “so well” that in an extremely short period of time I couldn’t get high until I was getting the stuff straight from the cutter (a person that takes the drug in its original form and cuts it with an agent so it isn’t as lethal to the system. Drug dealers usually cut it a few more times to make more of the drug, at a lower dose in order to make more money off it but it also runs the risk of making the user sicker because of what they cut it with. In the 90’s that was usually baby laxative).
I knew when I hit the point that I could go one way in my life or the other. It was the night I watched a cop drive by the car I was sitting in while selling drugs. I watched the cop roll by and I watched myself get arrested, go to jail and never come back out. Somehow I knew right there that that was a choice I was being offered and so I packed it in and went home. Back to the home where my friend still paid all the bills, bought all the drugs and quietly waited for me to stop trying to off myself in whatever fashion I devised and yet it still didn’t stop, no more drug dealing but that wasn’t good bye to drugs or alcohol either.
A few years later I was back to not knowing what I was doing, not knowing how to get out of this hell I again found myself in and the only thing around was my dog. Again, I resorted to feeling better via abusing my dog. I remember standing outside of myself while I had tears streaming down my face, an odd guttural cry coming from deep down inside me and this overwhelming hate for everything me coming up to the service as I kicked the crap out of this dog that just looked at me with love. I realize now that dogs are here to be our mirrors, to show us what we cannot see and at that moment he was trying to show me how to love myself and still I couldn’t see it. He stayed with me for 12 years, by the end I realized that I had buried how I felt about him so that I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of what I had done. I always felt guilt but I couldn’t feel the pain, much like I couldn’t feel the pain of the hate I had for myself.
He was the last animal I ever hit and the inspiration for me to change that in myself. In a way the change never really took place, I was still constantly hurting myself in one form or another but it all moved within my head at that point. For the most part I looked like a very well-adjusted human being that would never hurt themselves or another and while you were seeing that on the outside on the inside I was telling myself how much of worthless piece of shit I was and how no one would ever love me and if they did well they would eventually figure out the truth so why don’t we just start pushing them away now (obviously I didn’t realize that’s what my M.O. was) before they find out the real truth about me.
I still managed to have some decent relationships. Something was always in there fighting to get out but it seemed like I was always stacking the deck against myself. Like I was trying to stack on as much BS as possible so that when things got to the point where people were in it for the long haul I could pull out the “I did drugs” card or the “I beat my dog” card or whatever other cards I had to wave in front of their faces so they would get the point, DON’T LOVE ME, I’M NOT WORTH IT. Funniest thing is you don’t realize until you awaken that you sent those people to you to say NONE OF THAT MATTERS AND YES YOU ARE.
Then I hit the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and I decided to transition. I’ve stated in another post that my transition was the start of my awakening, the one that stuck. That was 8 years ago, I’ve done many things since that mimic the 36 years before that and I believe it was to not only show myself how far I’ve come but also to test myself on what I have learned. I spent nearly a year of that time working with shelter dogs when animals were a way for me to hurt myself worse through hurting them have now become a way for me to gauge where I am in my path and how to move through some of that human stuff. My dog now is nearly 15, she has stayed with me this whole time to show me how to love myself, to show me where I have fear, where I have doubt, to allow me to learn how to comfort myself through comforting her and to allow me to heal those wounds by helping her heal hers.
I know all this may come a s shock to those who know me that I haven’t told and I know that others will just be shocked by the admittance whether they know me or not but if there is one other person out there that has gone through this I want you to know you are not alone. I am an animal lover, I am one of those people that would get up and yell and scream at a person that bread dogs to fight, I will weep over pictures of abused animals and I still did this. All of those things are in me, are in all of us at some point. For some the fact that I ate meat at one point is the same as me hitting my dog, it is taking advantage of an animal, any animal for our own selfish purposes. Still I know I did those things to learn, to bring me down to the depths so that I would to climb out. When we truly begin to understand ourselves apart from the human condition of duality we see that there is no right or wrong there is only what makes us see.
While I would have rather “seen” my way out in some other fashion I couldn’t be reached by another I could only be reached by my animals. They not only took the brunt of my pain they helped me glimpse the glory of my love as well. Now, I watch my 15 year old dog and try not to fear her passing, try not to create that reality and try desperately to love her without any fear, just like she does me