I was supposed to be a boy...
REPOSTED FROM THE TRANS-SCEND BLOG 2015
I don't know if this is my official first memory or if it is just so strong and had such an impact on the rest of my life that it was elevated to that status. I remember it like it was yesterday and even still remember the elation of the epiphany, the sadness that overwhelmed me right before it was extremely intense and has carried with me. those feelings that come with the memory are the ones that now I know need to dissolve before I can let go of the effect of this memory because it isn't the memory that moves us from the NOW to the past but being stuck in the emotions of the memory that do so.This is how we know we are no longer in the now, it's when the feelings of the past coming rushing back with the memory. In other words if I can reach a point where I remember this in order to retell it to use it to help others with their journey but the emotions or emotional attachments I have to that memory are no longer there then I am using it NOW.
The "kids" bathroom in my grandparents’ house had a long double vanity and a huge mirror on one side of the room. On the other were the bathtub and the toilet with a wall separating the two. I was sitting on the toilet after playing "slip and slide" in the bathtub. I was four or five and I was staring into my own eyes in the mirror as I sat on the toilet. I started crying, I was overcome with sadness and a feeling that I had just lost something very special to me and then I said "God made a mistake, I was supposed to be a boy."
As soon as I said it I was on cloud nine. I was so very happy that I had found my way out of the sadness. That I now understood everything about me and I could go on and be the "boy" I was supposed to be and everything would be perfectly happy. Kids are awesome! I had no idea where or what that answer really was telling me. I look back on it now and I wonder if in that moment I was really telling myself I could be and do anything I wanted. That the shell I was in didn't matter. Of course the language I used was a little strange. Some might be upset about the first part of my epiphany but the interesting thing to me about it was that I didn't really have a concept of a God being in my creation at all.
My Grandparents were Christian Scientists and my mother was not, in fact I think in a way she blamed the religion for everything that she saw as "bad" in her childhood and so I later found out that she made my grandmother promise not to speak of God and her religion or she would no longer be able to see me. I have no idea if the conversation was as harsh as that just sounded but having lived with my mother’s anger and resentment of her parents I can imagine it might have been even worse.
So for me, at that age, to actually say that God had anything at all to do with my creation one way or another was really weird. Of course at the time I didn't think it was weird at all, it was exactly what came to me and I believed it. So what I term as my first memory became something that haunted me for a long time.
Namely, 1. I was not right the way I was (I was supposed to be a boy, therefore my current form was incomplete at the least and plain wrong at the most (it became many harsher things than just "wrong" through the years but I'm just focused on this memory at the moment). 2. God or the idea of it was fallible, it wasn't some high and mighty all-knowing thing (though I did run into some of those thoughts later too). I believe the second point also translated into I was fallible/imperfect also, the first point surely did.
So looking back on this memory I see a plethora of things that happened to suck me into the so called "matrix" or the 3D world. These are a few of the many things I set in front of me as a soul to overcome, to transcend as they say. This is mainly what this blog will focus on, though it will also have many things that are happening to me now as well. I will try and give you an idea of how I got from one side of this to the other, my journey, in hopes that it will help you with yours. What I want you to know off the bat is YOU ARE PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE and God/Jesus/the Creator/whatever you call it (or whatever cuss word you call it like I did for a long time) is real but not in the way we are taught.
Not only is it a real thing but the only way it is whole is with you, we are a part of it and without each and every one of us it would not be, therefore YOU ARE IMPORTANT. I want to throw these things out there now because these are two things that haunted me for a long time and I will just say that it is your egos job to say you aren’t those things but it’s our job to realize the ego is wrong in these areas. We will figure out how to do that together, at the time of this writing I only know how to do it I haven't accomplished it yet. With your help I hope to. Thank you for reading, I love you.
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