REPOSTED FROM THE TRANS-SCEND BLOG 2015
I was asked recently what pronoun I preferred in reference to a club leather title I won back in 2005 before I transitioned. In the leather community some refer to previous titleholders as their "mom, grandma, great grandma, etc." and I was asked if the new titleholder could call me "great (however many times) grandma." People standing behind her automatically said "no" and looked shocked when I said "sure".
I recognize the oddness of this, when I first transitioned I went on vacation with a really good friend of mine who wasn't yet used to the transition and kept referring to me as "she." I had a panic attack every time she did which led to me eventually really having it out with her about watching what she was saying. I had a ton of fear around other people’s reactions, I also had some fear of my friends not accepting me which I hadn't quite gotten over (despite the fact that other than getting used to a change in vocabulary they were quite fine with). I also was in a new relationship with a "straight" girl who had barely even heard the word "transgender" before we got together.
I was also fighting a constant battle in my own head about how I wasn't really a "man." I had gotten to the point where it didn't matter what I looked like to others I KNEW I wasn't really a man because I didn't have a penis. Like that was the one defining thing that actually made the difference, so with all of these things swirling around in my head every time the word "she" was used in reference to me I had a heart attack and wanted to crawl into the nearest hole and hide. I felt that it would surely be loud enough for the entire state to hear it and for everyone to jump into there pickups with their shotguns and pitchforks and burn me at the stake.
It took years for me to get to the point I am now and all of it has to do with the awakening process. I've learned how much we all shove ourselves into tiny little boxes and the thought of coming out of them is scary and most of the time we never even realize we are in there. A certain organ does not actually make a human a certain sex/gender we make those ourselves. It is how we see ourselves not how others see us that actually matter. Our worth comes from inside and how we see ourselves. Our egos or little voices in our heads will always find something that makes us unworthy because it has been trained to. Awakening allows us to begin to see things as they truly are not as our egos or boxes define us.
Some of the first things to take with you on your journey are these: You are perfect, you are worthy, there is no right or wrong, everything you do is absolutely perfect and you are a part of the creator the whole. Everyone you look at is another piece of you and they are perfect in their own right. Every time you judge another you are actually judging yourself, so listen to what comes up. What is your ego still holding onto, what are you still hiding from yourself?
Our bodies are our vehicles to experience this planet they are not our box. We are the soul/spirit that drives the body along our paths. Each of us has a different path but similar roadblocks and the same final destination: Ascension. To do this we must “clear” the experiences that we had while here but never fully experienced. Our egos tell us about our stories or boxes that we have made up along the way that are not actually true. Anytime you think of yourself as anything less than a perfect being of light you are in a box, a story made up by believing things along the way that are not actually true.
An example of this, how did I know that I went from believing that I was supposed to be a boy to believing I would never be a “real man”? Simple, every time I would some guy would cut me off in traffic or I would see some dude doing something I thought was “dumb” I would commit about his dick size… What a fu*cking pussy, damn that dude has a small dick, what a dickless wonder. I was chastising him for not being a man because he didn’t have a penis, this was in fact chastising me and telling me I was wrong, I wasn’t perfect, I wouldn’t ever and couldn’t ever be who I felt I was inside. Even though I thought I already understood that I wasn’t actually my body but the soul that chose it.
And I did choose it, and I chose my path or journey of transitioning because that is what my soul knew I needed to carry this journey through to the end. I am perfect the way I am and my journey is perfect for me and what I need as yours is for you. We are souls, light beings, part of the creator and we are perfect. So when it comes down to it, I no longer care what others call me. I no longer have fear of persecution as I know that it was not in my journey this time, we have all chosen it at some point and I know, that even if it was it would be my choice and it would benefit myself as well as others. In the end none of us actually die, only the body transitions and more and more of us are choosing to ascend without death. Do not fear being who you truly are, just know that what you truly are is not the body you reside in, it is so much more.