My Awakening

REPOSTED FROM THE TRANS-SCEND BLOG 2015

​For me it came the moment I decided to transition. Although there were many times in my life where I remember being right on the brink. It's a lot like trying to stop smoking, you psych yourself up, get really into the idea of quitting, maybe even set a date and make a ritual out of it and do it and then a week or two goes by and you find a cigarette in your hands again.

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My life has been a lot like that with "spirituality". I put the word in quotes because it means a lot of things to a lot of people. For me it was trying to figure out why I felt like I didn't belong without having to go into the world of the crazy God people (there are reasons I am phrasing it like that here that are due to my upbringing, please do not take any offense to this as my views have changed dramatically). I floated in and out of spiritual/metaphysical stores and would pick up a book or two, read them, get into them briefly and then it would all fade away. Many people do this, it is being briefly stirred by your higher-self and then letting your ego take back over.

So my awakening "moment" was basically just the one that stuck. It is the one that I didn't quite know was happening until a few years into it but now that I am aware of it I've been going full speed ahead ever since. For me, when I finally decided to transition it started an avalanche of "crap", at least that is how viewed it at the time, in reality though everything was pushing me in the direction I needed to go, even if that direction was the scariest thing in the world to me.

My girlfriend and I broke up, I became more terrified in my day to day world, I started a new relationship, I moved to a new state, I bought a house, I was laid off, I lost the house, I moved twice more, I gained and then quit a job and now I have been out of work for two years. Yep a whirlwind of very scary stuff, at least at first. Now I'm trying to learn to leap without a net, which might be the scariest of them all but one I really really want to embrace.

All of this started with the simple idea of following through with something that came to me when I was 4 years old. An idea that many think is disgusting, unnatural, the devils work and so on. For me it has brought me closer to the truth, my truth, and closer to a creator that is unlike the God I have always had thrown in my face. I spent all those years combing through the spirituality section to find someone that said I was okay for who I was and who I wanted to be.

I would latch on to something that sounded so right only to find that either they hated the "lesbian" I was then or the "trans guy" I wanted to be and I knew that wasn't right and part of me took it and said that it knew I was always "wrong". I internalized it and made it haunt me, anger me, destroy me. So when I finally decided to transition it was me finally saying I loved myself. It was me finally taking a role in honoring myself and the child I was when I first uttered the words "I'm supposed to be a boy". 

It was me opening my heart chakra wide for the first time, by my own hand and saying I wanted more, I wanted the truth of me and I wanted to know where I came from. It's funny that this is what started it for me and yet, in this process one of the things we learn is that your body is not you, your gender is nothing but an idea that you attach to and yet that idea opened me up and continues to everyday. I owe a lot to that little girl that wanted to be a little boy, it was her/him that finally got me here, where all of that struggle only matters because it gives me something to share to hopefully help others and at the same time the sharing helps me to transcend that reality and walk into the next. Come walk with me.
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