I found myself sitting in the bath tub with the shower pouring over me as I cried. I had just ended an 8 year relationship with a beautiful, loving and talented woman and was mourning it. My heart was wide open and I cried and cried, some quiet tears, others heart wrenching. The thing that struck me the most was that there were no words in my head. No stories of my unworthiness, my undesirability, the fact that she, like so many others, would be better without me. Nothing, none of those stories played, no sound other than the tears I cried.
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REPOSTED FROM THE TRANS-SCEND BLOG 2015 What did finally end what was a very fun childhood was adolescence. Unfortunately for me it came roughly two weeks before my 10th birthday. I remember distinctly when I got my first period. It was in the middle of a storm in 1982 where we went several days without power. We were to the point where we had to boil water to use any and we cooked over a camp stove. I had no idea what was going on with my body and was horrified. Even more horrifying was my mother’s response that there were tampons upstairs with no explanation what-so-ever. I sat there crying as I read the box on how to use them. Even if I had been a "normal" little girl I think the super tampons would have been a little much, for me it was devastating to have to face all of it all at once and all alone. REPOSTED FROM THE TRANS-SCEND BLOG 2015 Bathrooms used to be just a thing I did without thinking about it. All of sudden they became the scariest place in the world (aside from maybe having to go to a new doctor/hospital) for me and that feeling lasted for many years. I was recently reminded of that when I checked out Brothers (check them out if you haven't already https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDXagST_QUQ) an online drama about guys in transition. In the very first episode we watch Jack experience stress over using a public restroom. I loved this scene as I have done the same thing many, many times and have been put into situation after situation to get over my fear of it. REPOSTED FROM THE TRANS-SCEND BLOG 2015 Interestingly enough I had to have a few friends ask me what I thought of her before I took much notice. As we awaken we find that much, if not all, of main stream media is just a way to keep the masses suppressed in fear of everything so we stop paying attention to it. I don’t watch the news or much of any TV and I rarely pay attention to anything that is posted in Social Media that represents the “mainstream”. So I hadn’t, up until now, paid attention to the story of Caitlyn. REPOSTED FROM THE TRANS-SCEND BLOG 2015 I was asked recently what pronoun I preferred in reference to a club leather title I won back in 2005 before I transitioned. In the leather community some refer to previous titleholders as their "mom, grandma, great grandma, etc." and I was asked if the new titleholder could call me "great (however many times) grandma." People standing behind her automatically said "no" and looked shocked when I said "sure". I recognize the oddness of this, when I first transitioned I went on vacation with a really good friend of mine who wasn't yet used to the transition and kept referring to me as "she." I had a panic attack every time she did which led to me eventually really having it out with her about watching what she was saying. I had a ton of fear around other people’s reactions, I also had some fear of my friends not accepting me which I hadn't quite gotten over (despite the fact that other than getting used to a change in vocabulary they were quite fine with). I also was in a new relationship with a "straight" girl who had barely even heard the word "transgender" before we got together. |
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